The Morning Wood: A UCF Fan's Guide to Surviving Columbus

Good morning, and welcome to today's edition of The Morning Wood.

Today's edition will come in the form of a "Survival Guide" for the UCF Knights as they travel to Columbus this weekend to take on Ohio State. We're going right into the fray today, so without further ado.

It's a bird, it's a plane....

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This weekend, the Florida Tech Citronauts travel deep into the heart of darkness when they visit the "Horseshow" at Ohio State. The "Horseshow", a horseshoe shaped stadium filled with Sarah Jessica Parker-esque co-eds, will no doubt be chock full of irrational, drunk, loud shouting Ohillbillians cheering on the Emperor of Darkness in his second game as head coach of the Buckeyes.

Prepare your anus. 

Before you ask, it's important to note that of all the teams in Division 1 college football, the two teams I hate the most are Ohio State and UCF, so this blog post will both incredibly sweet for me to write, but also incredibly bias. My Ohio State hatred is deep rooted from my Michigan blood. This needs no further explanation. My UCF hatred stems from having to deal with an unreasonable fan base who thinks they are far superior than anything that has ever existed despite accomplishing virtually nothing as an academic or athletic institution.

For years, UCF went full butthurt, complaining that its nearest rival USF, wouldn't schedule games against them after going 4-0 in the brief intrastate rivalry. But when USF tried to schedule UCF this season instead of traveling to Nevada, despite USF offering to come to the Citrus Bowl virtually making it a home game for the Knights, they declined.

UCF fans consistently troll message boards of its upcoming opponents, making fierce Juggalo-ish comments about how "UCF RULES" and "YOUR TEAM BLOWS".

The biggest knock on UCF fan is that approximately 100% of their student body have something in common: They were all rejected from The University of Florida. So much so, that UCF has it's own built in Gator Fan Club.

I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised that many of the UCF fan base will see this game as a revenge game. UCF fans, being inherent Gator fans, probably hate Urban Meyer with every fiber of their being. Their REAL head coach abandoned them in their eyes. Hell, even their own head coach has a hard time getting people in Orlando to fill the stadium. This is an actual quote from George O'Leary:

This year, head coach George O'Leary has a new plan to fill BHNS (Bright House Networks Field): invite the enemies and create hybrid fans.  "You should be a Gator-Knight," O'Leary told an audience at the Rotary Club of Orlando. 

"If the Gators aren't playing, we're the hometown team.  I'm not telling you -- don't root for your team... But, Seminole-Knight, Hurricane-Knight.  Support your hometown team." 

The Knights have only been a Division-I team since 1996 and are playing 'catch-up' in several regards in comparison to the major football programs in the Sunshine State, especially the 'tradition' category. 

"We've come a long way in a short period of time, we really have," said O'Leary in front of a crowd of about 75.  "But, you have to get behind your hometown team."  

Are you bored after watching your own team dominate real competition? Do you like football? Do you like watching a bunch of shirtless Valencia Community College grads jump up and down in unison to shitty techno music? Well, have I got a deal for you. You live in our town, you should come to our stadium! You don't even have to like us, we just need bodies to fill the seats. We're tired of having to digitize the crowd animations from Madden 13 into our broadcasts. We'd like real people to fill it for once. 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

But we here at the Crackback Blog are always looking out for the greater good. 

SURVIVING COLUMBUS:

1. Zero eye contact. It's bad enough that you've driven to America's butt hole to watch a football game. It's going to be even worse if you're forced to attempt communication with the locals, you're risking leaving the conversation dumber than you already are, good sir. IF YOU SEE A WEIRD LOOKING OLD MAN WEARING A BOW TIE, DO NOT ENGAGE, I REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE. 

Obligatory Gordon Gee Flashmob.... Gee at around the 2:35 mark. 


2. Wear Black. Most of the UCF supporters in attendance will be wearing black to support the Citronauts, err, Knights. You should too. It'll be easy to distinguish yourself apart from the people who look exactly like you, but are wearing red and butt-chugging Four Loko. 
(Wonder if that couch still exists or was burned after the game)

3. Don't drink the water. No further explanation needed. 

4. Take a backup shirt. Let's be honest. When the going gets tough, the tough switch shirts. I've heard many a Gator fan say this to Knights fans. "I'm wearing my Gator shirt because I went to UF, you're wearing yours because you went to Wal Mart." Instead of packing your trusty Gator backup that you slip on to avoid embarassment, simply swap it out for an Ohio State shirt. A plentiful stock can also be found at the Columbus Wal Mart. The key, win or lose, is to blend in. If UCF is victorious, the last thing you want to be seen in is a UCF shirt. If UCF loses, the last thing you want to be seen in is a UCF shirt. It's a win win. You're goal is to survive. You don't respect your school when you're at home, why respect it on the road?

5. Party hard. Few towns in America kill more braincells on Saturdays than Columbus, Ohio. It's literally all they have. There is no other successful teams in all of Ohio. You're legitimately seeing Ohioans at their best. It's hell for them everyday after. Enjoy yourself. Be safe. 


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