Nick Stauskas Dunk....bitches.

The Morning Wood: A UCF Fan's Guide to Surviving Columbus

Good morning, and welcome to today's edition of The Morning Wood.

Today's edition will come in the form of a "Survival Guide" for the UCF Knights as they travel to Columbus this weekend to take on Ohio State. We're going right into the fray today, so without further ado.

It's a bird, it's a plane....

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This weekend, the Florida Tech Citronauts travel deep into the heart of darkness when they visit the "Horseshow" at Ohio State. The "Horseshow", a horseshoe shaped stadium filled with Sarah Jessica Parker-esque co-eds, will no doubt be chock full of irrational, drunk, loud shouting Ohillbillians cheering on the Emperor of Darkness in his second game as head coach of the Buckeyes.

Prepare your anus. 

Before you ask, it's important to note that of all the teams in Division 1 college football, the two teams I hate the most are Ohio State and UCF, so this blog post will both incredibly sweet for me to write, but also incredibly bias. My Ohio State hatred is deep rooted from my Michigan blood. This needs no further explanation. My UCF hatred stems from having to deal with an unreasonable fan base who thinks they are far superior than anything that has ever existed despite accomplishing virtually nothing as an academic or athletic institution.

For years, UCF went full butthurt, complaining that its nearest rival USF, wouldn't schedule games against them after going 4-0 in the brief intrastate rivalry. But when USF tried to schedule UCF this season instead of traveling to Nevada, despite USF offering to come to the Citrus Bowl virtually making it a home game for the Knights, they declined.

UCF fans consistently troll message boards of its upcoming opponents, making fierce Juggalo-ish comments about how "UCF RULES" and "YOUR TEAM BLOWS".

The biggest knock on UCF fan is that approximately 100% of their student body have something in common: They were all rejected from The University of Florida. So much so, that UCF has it's own built in Gator Fan Club.

I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised that many of the UCF fan base will see this game as a revenge game. UCF fans, being inherent Gator fans, probably hate Urban Meyer with every fiber of their being. Their REAL head coach abandoned them in their eyes. Hell, even their own head coach has a hard time getting people in Orlando to fill the stadium. This is an actual quote from George O'Leary:

This year, head coach George O'Leary has a new plan to fill BHNS (Bright House Networks Field): invite the enemies and create hybrid fans.  "You should be a Gator-Knight," O'Leary told an audience at the Rotary Club of Orlando. 

"If the Gators aren't playing, we're the hometown team.  I'm not telling you -- don't root for your team... But, Seminole-Knight, Hurricane-Knight.  Support your hometown team." 

The Knights have only been a Division-I team since 1996 and are playing 'catch-up' in several regards in comparison to the major football programs in the Sunshine State, especially the 'tradition' category. 

"We've come a long way in a short period of time, we really have," said O'Leary in front of a crowd of about 75.  "But, you have to get behind your hometown team."  

Are you bored after watching your own team dominate real competition? Do you like football? Do you like watching a bunch of shirtless Valencia Community College grads jump up and down in unison to shitty techno music? Well, have I got a deal for you. You live in our town, you should come to our stadium! You don't even have to like us, we just need bodies to fill the seats. We're tired of having to digitize the crowd animations from Madden 13 into our broadcasts. We'd like real people to fill it for once. 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

But we here at the Crackback Blog are always looking out for the greater good. 

SURVIVING COLUMBUS:

1. Zero eye contact. It's bad enough that you've driven to America's butt hole to watch a football game. It's going to be even worse if you're forced to attempt communication with the locals, you're risking leaving the conversation dumber than you already are, good sir. IF YOU SEE A WEIRD LOOKING OLD MAN WEARING A BOW TIE, DO NOT ENGAGE, I REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE. 

Obligatory Gordon Gee Flashmob.... Gee at around the 2:35 mark. 


2. Wear Black. Most of the UCF supporters in attendance will be wearing black to support the Citronauts, err, Knights. You should too. It'll be easy to distinguish yourself apart from the people who look exactly like you, but are wearing red and butt-chugging Four Loko. 
(Wonder if that couch still exists or was burned after the game)

3. Don't drink the water. No further explanation needed. 

4. Take a backup shirt. Let's be honest. When the going gets tough, the tough switch shirts. I've heard many a Gator fan say this to Knights fans. "I'm wearing my Gator shirt because I went to UF, you're wearing yours because you went to Wal Mart." Instead of packing your trusty Gator backup that you slip on to avoid embarassment, simply swap it out for an Ohio State shirt. A plentiful stock can also be found at the Columbus Wal Mart. The key, win or lose, is to blend in. If UCF is victorious, the last thing you want to be seen in is a UCF shirt. If UCF loses, the last thing you want to be seen in is a UCF shirt. It's a win win. You're goal is to survive. You don't respect your school when you're at home, why respect it on the road?

5. Party hard. Few towns in America kill more braincells on Saturdays than Columbus, Ohio. It's literally all they have. There is no other successful teams in all of Ohio. You're legitimately seeing Ohioans at their best. It's hell for them everyday after. Enjoy yourself. Be safe. 


Follow me, @MarktheNomad

I give this Twitter address out with moderate fear for what my mentions will become after this is published.

Boys amongst Men

As the last seconds ticked off the clock, the Crimson Tide players celebrated accordingly. They had just demolished the No. 8 team in the nation on the national stage. Every phase of the game fell in Alabama's favor. It wasn't close. The game was over before the start of the second quarter. All the questions that lingered going into the season we're answered with authority:

Could the Crimson Tide replicate the same defensive dominance despite losing nine players? Yes. A resounding yes. They held Michigan to 269 yards of total offense, and it wasn't even that close. Michigan benefited from garbage yards on big plays for the bulk of their output.

This is AJ McCarron's team now. How will he lead them now that Trent Richardson, Marquis Maze and Darius Hanks are gone?
McCarron played brilliantly. Despite only completing 11 passes, he controlled the game and gave what the defense offered. Most of his incompletions came when he rushed the pass or overshot his wide open receiver. I suspect McCarron will be a dark horse Heisman candidate as the season progresses.

Can Eddie Lacy and TJ Yeldon carry the load?
Lacy who? Yeldon had 11 carries for 110 yards. 10 yards a carry. Need a first down? Here, TJ, go get us a first down. His combination of size, speed and agility will have Alabama fans drooling of the future potential. He's a stud. It regularly took four to five Michigan defenders to bring him to the ground.

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As someone who has followed Michigan his whole life, I can't remember watching a game and seeing Michigan so unbelievably outmatched and outclassed by the opponent. They were the boys amongst men. This is by no means bellyaching. I was legitimately impressed with everything Alabama did. Michigan had no business being on that field last night.

Talent: Advantage Alabama
Size: Advantage Alabama
Toughness: Advantage Alabama
Speed: Advantage Alabama

I turned to my wife sometime during the second quarter, in between tweets about butter sculptures and skittles, and said "It looks like a high school team playing a college team." I meant it. It legitimately looked like Alabama was bigger and stronger and faster than anything Michigan could offer. They were huge and physically opposing. At the end of the game, I had a bit of a revelation:

Recruiting doesn't matter. 

Let that sink in for a minute.

Recruiting doesn't matter. It's what you do with those recruits that matters. Simple as that. Alabama consistently has one of the top recruiting classes in the nation. No team is better than Alabama at maximizing that talent.

Florida and Texas both had the No. 1 and No. 3 recruiting classes in 2010. These kids should be juniors or redshirt sophomores by now. Florida? Can't handle Bowling Green. Texas? Struggled with Wyoming for a half. Both teams struggled to mediocrity in 2011 because they didn't maximize the talent they had.

Most teams in the country would kill to have their rosters. They squander their talent. Alabama does not. Hell, according to Scout.com, Texas has claimed a Top 3 recruiting class for the last three years. Yet, where are the results? Notre Dame is notorious for having stellar, talent filled recruiting classes that fall flat on their faces when facing adversity. Recruiting matters in a sense that if you have talented players, you can probably overpower teams that don't have the same talent. But what about playing teams with equal talent? How is Alabama hands down better at maximizing their talent? This dude:

That's Scott Cochran. You may have never heard of him. That's because he has a glory free position on the Alabama coaching staff. He's the Director of Strength and Conditioning. Cochran should get as much credit for the success of the Crimson Tide's success as Nick Saban or Kirby Smart. He helps mold the heat seeking missiles of death on the field that Saban and Smart deploy on Saturdays.

Alabama has the total package: Great coach, great coordinators, and superiorly athletes. The result? 41-14.

Ouch, bro. 

The silver lining for Michigan is that despite this drubbing, they're likely still a Top-3 team in the Big 10. That's sad, but true. If they learn from this loss and try to hit half as hard as Alabama hit on Saturday they'll be fine. Losing players like Countess and Lewan doesn't help, but they're still very talented...for the Big 10. They have a shot to beat every team they face....in the Big 10. They'll face stiff competition against Michigan State, but by no means is Michigan State anywhere near what the Crimson Tide just trotted out on the field. They're just not ready for the big stage yet. Hopefully the 'yet' is temporary.

According to the rankings, Michigan is doing very well on the recruiting trail. But it's what they do with that talent that will separate them from the pack.

The (Evening) Wood - August 23, 2012

For those of you who read this blog in it's earlier days, you know that I always was able to post things bright and early in the morning hence the name 'The Morning Wood'. This is my third post since rebooting the blog (due to a job change) and so far I've not been able to find the time to post in the morning. (In case you care, although you probably don't, my job responsibilities have increased about 159X since moving back to Orlando).

Wait....

None of you care. Anywho, welcome to today's edition of The Wood. Before we get to anything else....Best ticker ever? Best ticker ever.




That felt good.

Today we discuss Notre Dame football and it's struggles at one of the most important positions on the field. Given their schedule this year, I'm predicting more misery for the Domer faithful.

Let's do it.

The 'Stretch Armstrong'

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A few years back during Michigan's dark ages, they had this problem with defensive coaching and defensive talent. Their most glaring weakness was at cornerback. Watch Boubacar Cissoko vs. Michael Floyd for eye bleeding futility. 

Welp.

While Notre Dame had little success against Michigan, Floyd was a terror and he made Cissoko his absolute bitch and may have single handedly ruined Cissoko. He was later kicked off the team for committing multiple crimes. (Robbery, DUI, etc)

Michigan had a revolving door at cornerback during the RichRod era because of horrible recruiting and Angry Michigan Cornerback Hating God. He dished out his wrath and was finally appeased with the dismissal of RichRod. Fortunately for Michigan, last season saw breakout performances by Blake Countess and JT Floyd and the position finally has some stability. When you have a shitty defensive coordinator and no talent at the position things like this happen against Penn State:

Shut. Down. Corner. AMIRITE?

(deep breath, that era is over, deep breath, that era is over)

Okay, back to the main point. Notre Dame is facing similar OMG DOOM at the defensive back position. They graduated three starters from last year's team and the only guy on the roster, Lo Wood, with any foreseeable experience just had his Achilles explode. He done. 

From the Associated Press:

"The Irish expect to be strong up front defensively, led by star linebacker Manti Te'o and defensive ends Kapron Lewis-Moore and Stephon Tuitt.There was already uncertainty in the secondary, which lost Harrison Smith and Robert Blanton to the NFL.
Freshman KeiVarae Russell, a converted running back, had been practicing behind Wood. Sophomores Josh Atkinson and Jalen Brown also split time at corner."

The Fighting Irish are stacked up front and return ManBearPig Manti Te'o, so getting pressure on the quarterback and stopping the run should not be a problem. But if a team is able to adjust and neutralize the Notre Dame front seven? Look the hell out. They could be in for some serious shootouts.

Their schedule doesn't do them any favors either.

Date	Time	Opponent	Site	TV	Result
September 1	9:00am	Navy[2]	Aviva Stadium • Dublin, Ireland	CBS
September 8	3:30pm	Purdue[2]	Notre Dame Stadium • Notre Dame, IN	NBC
September 15	TBA	at Michigan State[2]	Spartan Stadium • East Lansing, MI
September 22	7:30pm	Michigan[2]	Notre Dame Stadium • Notre Dame, IN	NBC
October 6	7:30pm	Miami[3]	Soldier Field • Chicago, IL	NBC
October 13	3:30pm	Stanford[2]	Notre Dame Stadium • Notre Dame, IN	NBC
October 20	3:30pm	BYU[2]	Notre Dame Stadium • Notre Dame, IN	NBC
October 27	TBA	at Oklahoma[2]	Oklahoma Memorial Stadium • Norman, OK
November 3	3:30pm	Pittsburgh[2]	Notre Dame Stadium • Notre Dame, IN	NBC
November 10	TBA	at Boston College[2]	Alumni Stadium • Chestnut Hill, MA
November 17	3:30pm	Wake Forest[2]	Notre Dame Stadium • Notre Dame, IN	NBC
November 24	TBA	at USC[2]	Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum • Los Angeles, CA
*Non-conference game. Homecoming. #Rankings from Coaches' Poll released prior to game. All times are in Eastern Time.

At Oklahoma. At USC. At Michigan State.

That last game of the year, at USC. Well, I'm not holding out too much hope for the Fighting Irish. Mainly because, well, Robert Woods had 119 yards and two touchdowns last year when the Irish actually had a secondary. When he lines up against their tackling dummies, it might as well be the Skeleton Drill.

Belitnicoff me, bro.

Also: Freekbass

The (Afternoon) Wood - August 21, 2012

Welcome to today's edition of The (Afternoon) Wood.

First and foremost, thank you for all the positive feedback. It feels good to finally have some football back in our lives.

On that note, let's introduce THE BEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL TICKER EVER MADE:



That's right, folks, WERE IN THE SINGLE DIGITS. SINGLE. DIGITS.

No more baseball, no more Olympics, no more shower rape, no more T.O. Dr. Phil child support hit him with a sock full of quarters and keep hitting him and keep hitting him....

Nope, we're about to enter the most magical time of the year. The time of year where my insufferable fanboy behavior skyrockets into an explosion of gossamer teardrops in the sky.

So, without further ado, let's get to The Wood.

The 'Tee Pee'

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IF YOU AIN'T CROOTIN' YOU AIN'T TRYIN' PAWWWWWWLLLLLLL

I follow recruiting. Yes, this makes me a douchebag. Caring about the movements of 16 and 17-year-old kids makes me two steps away from showing up on a Chris Hansen barstool, but I can't help it. I like to see how my team is getting better. I like to see how the competition stacks up as well. 

Over the last five years, however, recruiting has taken a sharp turn from "Hey, I'm just passionate about my team and I want to know it's future players..." to "HEY, I FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER, FACEBOOK, TUMBLR, PINTEREST (do guys Pinterest?) AND REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME YOU ACCIDENTALLY TWEETED OUT YOUR PHONE NUMBER WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DIRECT MESSAGING, LOL, YEAH I WROTE THAT DOWN AND PUT IT NEXT TO MY HAIR DOLL OF YOU." 

Look, I get it. It's a business. In fact, you easily make the argument that there are roughly thousands of people in the field of internet journalism that have managed to maintain a stable income in that tire fire of a career choice (sets his BA in Journalism on fire). I first found out about Rivals back in 2002. It was big then. It's even bigger now. Competing with Rivals is Scout, 247Sports (Former Rivals bros) MaxPreps and ESPN High School. ESPN has started making 'Nation' pages and employing people from each nation site to follow a school's recruitment. (What up, @TomVH)

A Georgia fan called a recruit. It happened. This is not a joke. This is not a 'The Onion' headline. A Georgia Bulldog fan actually had the sack to call up a recruit to check on the kids' recruitment status with the team. I can't make this shit up. 

This is when social media goes wrong. The advent and growth of Twitter and Facebook make people who we shouldn't have access to widely accessible. On opposite sides of the spectrum are idiots like "GO DWAGS!" guy calling the recruit and scumbags trolling high school kids based on their school choice and people who follow the people who are paid to track recruiting. I think I sit somewhere in the far right, near the bloggers and writers who follow the recruits because it's their job and it feed their family. They do an amazing job of providing unbiased reporting and that's why I seek my information from them. I've never tweeted a recruit. It's an NCAA violation.

Crazies are going to ruin it for the rest of the mildly crazy. So, UGA fan, if you're ever considering calling a recruit again to feed that dead spot in your brain that lacks common sense, I offer you this as something to mentally masturbate to instead: Aaron Murray using a shake weight. 

Now jerk off to that, you lucky so-and-so. Leave the kids alone. 

/fin

The (Evening) Wood - August 20, 2012

HEEEEEEE'S BACK!

Good evening, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the triumphant return of The Crackback Blog. After an eight month hiatus, I am back with a vengeance ready to take on the college football season one toilet at a time. 

Tonight, we will discuss the absolute futility of preseason polls. Yes, this is a topic that has been beaten to death but there are some decent reads out there that are worth perusing. 

Those new to The Crackback Blog: 
1. If you're offending by cartoon pictures of penises, this is not the place for you. 
2. If you're looking for hard-hitting journalism, again, you've come to the wrong place. 
3. This blog will be conversational. I'll do my best to speak in a relative form of English. 
4. I love college football. I also have a very sweet spot in my heart for the University of Michigan. However, this is not a Michigan blog. When Michigan does something noteworthy (good or bad) it will be displayed here. For instance:

HT to SBNation for this timeless gem.

5. I'll try to post something every day. If it doesn't happen it's because I have a full time job and two kids who suck the marrow of life from my being.

OKAY, LET'S DO THIS.

The 'Old Fashion'

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"HE VOTED FOR WHO?"

Nothing is more pointless than preseason polls. They are archaic. They are tired. They are generally full of folly. This year was no different. The usual suspects sit atop the polls:

For those not keen on what those little numbers in parenthesis mean, that number signifies how many "1st Place Votes" a team received and if you take a gander at the teams in the No. 4 and No. 9 spots you're rewarded with your first LOLWUT of the season. 

Again, as I've previously stated, I'm as big a Michigan slappy as anyone on the planet but voting them first place when they didn't even win their own conference last year is as silly as being able to play for the national title without even winning your conference. *cough Roll Tide *cough. 

Before you shit your pants, I was against the rematch in 2006. Michigan did not defeat Ohio State, thus not winning the conference, thus forfeiting any opportunity to play for the title. It's as simple as the Rose Bowl is pure. Which, in purity standards, is like 100% Pure Columbian Cocaine. THAT PURE, BITCH. 

The gentleman who gave Michigan it's first place vote was Bob Asmussen. Kyle Meinke, of AnnArbor.com, gets Asmussen's explanation here. In an interesting twist of irony, Meinke himself was the only person who voted Oklahoma No. 1 in the polls. While Meinke didn't get shelled with as much criticism as Asmussen did for his choice, his pick did cause me to turn my head and say "hmmmm". His explanation for the pick can be found here. 

After giving it thought, though, I realized that guys like Meinke and Asmussen have the world by the balls. These polls, irrelevant as they may be, still spark discussion. When you've got two renegades who throw caution to the wind and lift their kilts to the world you have to respect it. In fact, I wish more  writers would have the balls to go with their gut instincts instead of just trying to please the masses. Bravo, gentleman. 

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As we end our journey today, I can't help but he humbled by anyone who takes the time to read this. So I'll share with you a stupid assertion that I made last evening:

If Michigan defeats Alabama on September 1, swear to God, I'll butt chug a Four Loko in a Teletubby costume.

I stand by my word. Follow me @MarktheNomad